I M feeling DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN THESE DAYS
Dunno y I suddenly go n read back aaron blog dat day
old old post
Just like wad I normally do at his blog or his fb
Almost all the things he post I read through for dunno how many hundred times d
I can memorized in my brain d
I dunno why i do dat & wat for I do dat
I think I just want to feel that he is with me all the time?? Perhaps yes
This time I go n read through aaron old old blog
I found something
The video
ya
the video on his birthday celebration 2years ago
I made a huge n sweet birthday cake for him
It was really sweet cake coz I terput too much of sugars><
I guess it was a happy day for him
But I do still rmb b4 his birthday tat week I had a great quarrel with him
The reason is I dowan to attend his birthday celebration coz all guys there
He angry at me...very pissed off at me
He said if my own gf aso dowan to celebrate with me will my friends still attend???
So at last I went n brought the cake which not very successful
Actually sometimes I hate myself why am I having such a good brain which can re-flash back all the stuffs even N-years ago
And sad to say that I can remember it very clearly
Happy or unhappy stuffs aso I can rmb
But no matter happy or unhappy stuffs I had with him
All the memories for me now are good memories
Although it make me so hard to move on in my life now due to I need to throw a fake smile to the people around me n say that Hello,I m okay...I still can move on..I still can score in my exams..I still can make my parents laugh but I do not want to delete all those memories
Without all those memories,we are nothing.............
I saw aaron post about some love stuffs
He leave someone coz he dowan to make her sad ad
I truly dun understand why
The deepest sadness is the one u want tells u he wants to leave u
Maybe I dun understand guys well
They always say do something to make someone better><
For him
He is very honest to me
He said to me I dun love you anymore
I cant do anything for u anymore SORRY
All the messages I already delete it long time ago
But too bad all the content of the messages already save in my brain
REPEATED REPEATED AND REPEATED
making me insane
But then everytime after I drop my tears till I fall asleep
The next morning I still need to smile to people around me
Sometimes I really cant control my feelings the most aso I close myself on my room
I dowan to make other people mood down because of me
Sometimes I even go and post something funny n happy to neutralize back my emoness wall on facebook
Facebbok n blogger now is the only place which I can released my feelings
Noone else to listen to me ad
Except that my family noone treat me with patience n true heart d
But I can let my mommy noe I still live in sadness
So every week I go back I will tell mommy all brunch of rubbish stuffs happened in my life
Then I laugh loud loud in front of her
Make her think dat I m okay d & purposely kacau her dowan let her sleep
But after I enter my sleep
I look into the mirror and smile
I feel I m so fake
How good is my acting huh???
I need to salute myself ad
Something which I really need to erase in my brain is the sweet times we had at his hostel
Yesterday I heard he already shifted out from his hostel already
I dunno where is he staying now
I think he threw away all the stuffs I gave him already
Do I need to do so also???
So that I can forget about him easily ??
As in forget about he belong to me once???
But do tat really works???
The other thing tat make me so sad is I think he like another girl already
Dunno y I have a strong feelings he like dat girl><
I can accept ppl change so fast
And my classmate tot the one who meet new target is me
The only thing tat I can gv reponse is SMILE
I re-flash back something again when I feel he likes tat girl
Tat time was November I think
I sms him to ask where is he and he reply me he inside his room
So I tot of want gv him surprised then I went to his hostel (I had his key)
When I open his room door
There was nobody inside the room and his housemate told me he went out d
which means he bluff me??
I say thank you to his housemate and my tears drops
I trust him so much...........
I tot of want give him surprised
wow..I m the one who got surprised
I get MAD and ask him WHERE U but i cant accept any excuses from him
I dunno why all the matters which related to him I will be very sensitive
It was like betraying me doing something elsewhere...
Everytime I aso choose to believe him
Because I knew I hurted him a lot of times coz I saw his tears
But do he saw me crying too???He said I cry almost everyday and he dunno what the point to care about me already....
The thing is ..why I cry???for nothing??just to make fun???
hahahaah
He will never know
Perhaps he will know someday when he meet a girl which he really care about........
THAT MUST NOT BE ME...T.T
